Log in

No account? Create an account
30 March 2009 @ 10:50 pm
Self Help  
The winds are changing. I can feel it. There's this strange feeling deep inside of me, about where my stomach is, but deeper. Almost like it's on another plane of existence, but it's somehow linked with my stomach, with the changing winds. This strange feeling is like a sinking, as if the planar link is being pulled at on ther other plane like gravity has suddenly increased.

This causes a shivering sensation to course from my lower spine, up to the base of head of my head when the spinal cord diverts into my skull, and then back to it's point of orgin. Not often, this traveling shiver causes an adverse watering to take place in my eyes. This is where the most troubling part of this all finally comes into play. As I wipe the tears from my eyes, visions of my parents laying montionless in coffins. Despite the beautiful arrangements of flowers that surround their angelic appearances, this causes more tears to roll forth; more images of their dead bodies to flash inside my mind.

This has happened a few times while driving. I had to pull over once because I was crying so hard that I couldn't see the road through the already poor visibility of a heavy rain. The images continue with me coming to the side of the parent that survives the other which is then followed by me standing over the grave of the second parent. The order of how they fall always changes.

I've been having these visions since I was 16 years when I un-officially became the executive my parent's estate. Just like that, I'm left in charge of my siblings and their well-being as if it were nothing more than I was babysitting them and my parents will be back after their date.

But that's not the case. It won't be the case.

I do not fear my own death and I hope that it is both glorious and honorable, but the thought of living without my parents there...is sometimes too unbearable. I've been blessed with an writer's talent, so I envision things with great vividness and detail. I've already lived through the death of my parents numerous times, but I've only just now realized why they keep occuring. I wasnt getting the message. I wasn't so much afraid of my own death, but how my cherished loved ones will go on living their lives while coping with my death. I'm afraid for how my son or daughter is going to be able to stand up after they've lost one of the two people who have always been there for them.

The strangest part of this all....this is the reason that I'm afraid to let a lover to get too close...because I'm afraid of starting a timer to the day that my children will need me most and they have to throw dirt on my face.

This took me nearly 2 hours to write. This has been the most difficult thing that I have written. I hope this will help me deal with the situation at hand. I hope this will help me deal with the situation to come.

Because I've found someone that's interesting and attractive and...she gives me butterflies, but I think that I should probably deal with this first. Sure, we might only date for a period of time, but there are some good what-if situations out there and it doesn't hurt to have a plan for the future.